Thankful

I know it's been a long time since we've posted, but today I wanted to share our thankfulness. Over the past year + since we came home unexpectedly from Uganda, we have struggled STRUGGLED.

I know I need to lift my eyes up

but I'm too weak

Life just won't let up

and I know that you can give me rest

so I cry out with all that I have left

{WORN}

But in the past few months we've felt the heavy sadness finally starting to lift from our hearts. Through the love and support of so many people, we have started to focus our eyes back on Christ and away from our circumstances. Some things have changed, but many things have not. The next year is again going to be hard, but for the first time in 15 months, our hearts are turned back to seeking God's will for our lives and our family. For that, and many other things, I am so thankful.

Thankful that God will never leave me or forsake me

Thankful that despite my circumstances, His promises are true

Thankful that He's given me a wonderfully flawed partner to do life with

Thankful for daughters that constantly challenge me to dig deeper, one intellectually, one emotionally

Thankful for a son who gives me a reason to smile every day

Thankful for a city with amazing medical care options

Thankful for a family that knows when to love on me and when to give me space

Thankful that when I could barely keep my head above water, He did.

His grace abounds in deepest waters

Can You Hear Them?

(A poem written by our daughter, Katie Mae)

Listen to their thoughts, can you hear them?

Watch into their dreams, can you understand them?

See into their pain, can you feel them?

Wanting to make a difference takes its toll, but you keep pressing on

keep on going forward, and you keep on looking straight. 

Leaving the ones you love, being left behind, and watching as the rest of the world moves on.

Jumping on the plane, riding, riding, and riding, but you keep on riding and you never stop.

So you take a chance and jump off, and you soar.

Soaring with the moon and the stars, just to land and be with the world.

The world that never stopped moving and never gave you a second thought.

You land with the ones you had to leave behind, hoping it'll be the same, but you've changed.

You've heard their thoughts, watched their dreams, and felt their pain.

What does that mean, "missions work"?

That is the question that was posed to me Monday by our pediatrician's nurse.  We were at the doctor's office getting the kids the last of their needed shots for our trip when she started asking what we would be doing in Uganda.  When I told her it was for a missions trip she asked "So what will you be doing there?  Mostly missions work?" I answered "yes" and then she made me pause, "what does that mean, "missions work"? I hear people say it all of the time but I don't really understand what that is." I must have stammered out something that satisfied her and I have no idea what I said, but her question has stayed with me ever since.  What do I or you or anyone else mean when they say, "missions"?

I think lots of different people have lots of different definitions to what "missions" entails.  

For some it means telling people the plan of salvation.  For some it means living missional.  For some it means being a missionary.  And for others it means reaching out to people of a different faith.  

There's another idea that has plagued me for the two years that we have been working towards Uganda…"you can't just jump on a plane to go do missions overseas and become someone who is missions minded, doing missions begins at home".  For two years I've struggled with wondering if I'm being missional enough at home to warrant going to Uganda to do missions.  I've tried to get involved in various missions organizations and have looked for opportunities to support other missionaries…not so much because I felt led to do so, but because I felt like my going to Uganda wouldn't be justified unless I had some kind of home missions opportunities to put on my imaginary missionary resume.  I was desperately trying to create some good works to validate my call.  

The bad thing is…my body rebels agains good works.  Not that I don't like doing good things, I just don't like the legalistic, earn your way to heaven, kind of thinking that has been the thorn in my side for way too long. The one that God has slowly been chiseling out of me and replacing with grace, grace and more grace.  Anyone who knows me could guess which brother I've always identified with in the prodigal son story.  

I shop at Aldi's Grocery Store about once a week.  It's a super cheap grocery store in our city where you pay a quarter to get a buggy and bag your own groceries with bags you bring from home.  I always say that it's a type of missions field because there are always people from every walk of life, every language and I'm sure, every religion shopping there.  I love it!  I always end up making a connection with someone when I'm there.  One day it was the sweet elderly man who dropped his cane, my son picked it up and the man bought us candied apples we enjoyed all the way home.  Another day it was the woman trying to get her 4 small kids in the car while her buggy rolled away in the parking lot.  We ended up laughing over how hard life is with several kids as I retrieved it for her and helped her get her groceries into her trunk.  It's not handing out tracks or making a gospel presentation, I don't have to force it or plan for it, but it sure feels missional.  

Today it was a young girl at wal-mart that was buying hundred of dollars of stuff, realized she lost her debit card while checking out, found her debit card after several minutes of frantic searching, had her card declined several times, borrowed the cashier's cell phone, and called the bank to get money transferred to cover her purchases.  She never really apologized but you could tell she was embarrassed as she whispered "it's been the worst day".  I told her it was fine, that I was in no hurry and then told her I hoped her day would get better from here as I left.  She gave me a smile and a sincere "thank you" as she collected her things.  It wasn't until I got to the car, 28 days before we leave to go be missionaries, that it hit me…I AM a missionary at home. 

I believe that whenever you follow Jesus' example, whenever you strive to be like Him, you're "doing missions".  Whenever you love on someone the way Christ would have loved on someone, you're "doing mission work".  Whenever you live an open life, willing to share the gospel whenever the opportunity arises (even if it doesn't), you're living a "missional" life.  

My husband and I often tease about how much we don't fit into society's view of what a "missionary" is.  I'm a terrible house keeper.  I love 80s rap music.   I lose my temper with my kids.  I lose my temper with my husband.  I lose my temper with myself.   I love to dance. I don't homeschool (though I haven't ruled it out).  I joined my first bible study a couple months ago.  I'm definitely not crafty (though I REALLY try).  I'm on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram & Vine.  I love to buy cute short dresses but also love a cute maxi skirt.  I do wear my hair in a bun, but because I'm a dancer, not because of my conservative style.  I've made a billion mistakes and I'll make a billion more before the end of the week. I'm a mess. I've definitely not attained the level of holiness needed in order to be called to do mission work. 

The more and more I review my imaginary missionary resume, the more and more I see how unqualified I am, how unqualified my family is, for what He is calling us to do.  And He keeps reminding me that it's not OUR qualifications that justify our call, it is Christ in us that justifies our call. And it is our willingness to display Christ in us to those around us that makes us all missionaries, whether we're at Wal-Mart or halfway around the world.  


"And this is his commandment, that we believe in the name of his Son Jesus Christ and love one another… "       1 John 3:23 

Burnout

Before the holidays I felt like once we got past them I would be able to start really investing some time in getting ready for this trip.  In my mind I had decided that we would have one more big fundraising push to get the last of the $1,500 or so that we needed to meet our goal & the rest of my time would be spent purchasing supplies, finding suitcases, getting the kids shots, etc.  Just really doing the last minute things we need to do before we leave.

Now two months later, I can be honest with you & say that I haven't done any of those things.  And I haven't really felt like it.  One of my friends called it "Africa Burnout" and I guess that is what it was.  Not that I was burned out on wanting to go or the mission that God has called us to, but that I was burned out on trying to make everything happen the way I wanted it to.  I was tired of trying to think up new ways to fundraise that wouldn't continue to look for support from our core group of supporters (who I'm sure were feeling some "Africa burnout" in their wallets!) but would cast a wider net.  I was tired of trying to think of every little thing we might need while we were there & what I might be forgetting.  I was tired of trying to live in two worlds, one here full of electricity & ample water & grocery stores on every corner and trying to decide what I need for the one there with spotty solar power, precious water that needs to be conserved at every opportunity & a grocery store 1 1/2 hours away.  I know seasoned missionaries are laughing at me right now, this is so what they deal with on a daily basis!  But that is where the Father of Deception found me & started whispering…

 "If you can't deal with it now, how can you ever think you could deal with it when you are there?"

"you'll never make it"

"your fundraising has stalled because no one believes in what you are doing"

"once you get over there you are completely on your own"

"are you sure God wants YOU to do this?"

"You will probably mess it all up"

To say I was discouraged is putting it mildly. But slowly, God kept pulling me back to his promises…

"When you can't walk anymore, you will be carried"

"You are sealed, to live is Christ & to die is gain"

"You are loved"

"I am still good"

"You have been called"

"You are forgiven & set free"

And he has used so many people to minister to us, love on us & lift us up at just the right times!  

So finally, with a little bit of trepidation, last night we looked at our fundraising, added everything up & came to a total.  We were $390 short.  Amazing!!!  With no fundraising done in months & 69 days to go until we leave we only had $390 to go!  Wes & I were both blown away by what God had done through people we love.  

Wes quickly put up a Facebook post to share our excitement with our friends.  Within minutes we had two friends offering to donate towards the balance!  Within seconds we received our newest funds update from African Children's Mission…we now only had $60 to go!!  With what we have received to date plus the promised funds from our friends we have not only met our fundraising goal, we've exceeded it!!!  There were other items that we wanted to add to our budget but didn't because we felt like we were already setting such a high goal. Now we will be able to add those items in as well!  I cannot begin to tell you how excited, humbled, in awe of our creator, in awe of the goodness of our friends & family and thankful we are for this gift.  

The awesomeness of seeing God work in the most amazing ways, the incredible feeling of knowing there are people that believe in what you are doing so much that they would share their hard earned money to make it happen, these things make the burnout soooo worth it.  

We really cannot wait to come home in July & share everything that God did because of the gifts & prayers of faithful people that supported us!  That will be such an amazing day!!

Maybe someday I'll learn to lean on God first & not try to control everything myself.  I do it all the time.  And every time he is faithful to come through, even at the last minute.  I would like to say that I have such great faith that I never doubt, never believe he needs my help, never think "maybe it won't happen" but that would be a lie.  Maybe someday I'll remember to glorify him with every bump in the road so he won't have to go to such lengths to get my attention!  I'm so hard headed! Until then I'll be thankful for his grace & mercy in rescuing me just when I think all is lost, and putting people in my life that are truly his hands and feet…I'm sure I'll need to be reminded again, but right now I'm off to go get the kids their shots! 

"Praise the Lord, all nations!  Praise him, all peoples! His love for us is strong & his faithfulness endures forever.  Praise the Lord!" Psalms 117

Words...

This is where our minds and hearts are, pretty much all of the time…

*In case you don't recognize it, this shape is the country of Uganda* :)

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer"

Psalm 19:14